Pregnant with Lucy - 28 Weeks and The Truth

I haven't blogged at all about Lucy. I announced we are pregnant again and then stopped there. I write to her often in her journal, but haven't blogged here about her or my pregnancy. That's probably because it has not been all that wonderful. It has actually been a bit of a nightmare.

Week 5: threw out my back - couldn't take any medicine - chiropractor helped a bit

Week 9/10: hemorrhaging - thought we lost our baby again - modified bed rest / no activity until they were gone

Week 14 - Present: severe Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction

I have now been pregnant for 9 months (with a few weeks in between pregnancies) and still have 11.5 weeks to go. It has not been an easy 9 months. I love Lucy so much. I try so hard to soak up all of her kicks and rolls as much as I can because she may have to be our last baby.

We always thought we would for sure have at least 3 kids and maybe 4. I always said for sure 4, Matt always says maybe 4. But 3 was always for sure. I just don't know if I'd be able to do this all over again and that crushes me. I love being a mom. I've wanted to be a mom since I knew I could be a mom. I've dreamt of my family with kids running all around for my whole life. In my dreams though, I could run around with them. I could pick them up. I could walk.  I could move. I could sleep.

Not being able to move without pain is really hard when I have Lilly Belle to take care of as well. The mommy guilt is no joke. It is depressing. I've never felt more sad, alone, and depressed in my life. I have always been very active and have used exercise as my stress relief. I dream about the day when Lucy will be about 6 weeks old and I can go for a run, hell, even a walk, with my girls.

I have a wheelchair so that we can go out and do things as a family. The wheelchair makes me so angry. I lose all freedom when I'm in it. Matt likes to get me out of the house and for us to go to Disney together and will push me all day if I let him, but I cannot stand it. Last week we went to Epcot and I really wanted to go on Soarin'. Matt couldn't go with me because Lilly Belle is not tall enough. Usually if I have to push myself or do something with my wheelchair, I won't go because it makes me feel awkward and I don't like all the stares and how uncomfortable it all feels. We asked the cast member if Matt could push me through the line and then get out of line with Lilly Belle and they said no, I'd have to go alone. I really wanted to ride, and I was sick of not being able to do anything, so I told Matt I'd go try. Well... the entire cue is on carpet... up hill. The cast member sent me through the FastPass line, so there was a LONG line ahead of me with no one there - just open space for a really long time in front and in back of me and...I got stuck. Right there in line, I could not push myself up the hill on carpet. I wasn't strong enough. I felt weak. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I had zero freedom. I cried. Right there in line. I cried. Kids ran past me. A whole family passed me. And then, a man saw I was stuck and said he was pushing me the rest of the way. I asked him to just please turn my chair around so I could wheel myself back but he didn't want me to miss the ride because of the line, so he pushed me the whole-rest-of-the way. It was so kind of him. But all I felt was extreme embarrassment. It was awful. I went on the ride and loved it so much. Afterwards, I got back in my wheelchair and went to start going only to realize... all up hill on carpet again. The man, without asking, came back, told me he was pushing me, and pushed me all the way back to Matt in the waiting area. Matt and I both thanked him so much. Then he walked away and Matt kissed me and told me how proud he was of me for doing that on my own. I cried because I felt so helpless and stuck and powerless.

I miss feeling like myself. I miss feeling powerful and strong. I miss feeling freedom. I miss not being in pain. I wish for like 1 minute of the day I could walk without pain. Just for a minute. I wish I had patience with Lilly Belle like I used to. I wish I didn't lose my temper so much. I never used to yell at her, ever. Lately, I've been losing my cool more than I'd ever have liked. It makes me feel terrible and awful. It's hard to be in constant pain and also keep my patience all day long. I miss not having to think about picking toys up off the ground or if I really want to do that load of laundry because of how much it will hurt afterwards. I wish I didn't sigh and want to cry when she asks me to get up to take her potty... again. It hurts to much to pick her up. I miss not counting my steps around the house to remind myself when I'm taking to many. I wish I could get into bed to do story time with Lilly Belle. I wish I could sleep. It is 2:30am right now. I'm so tired, but it hurts so much when I lay down. Shooting, burning, stabbing pain all day long in my groin, butt, and pubic bone. Every step I take feels like someone is stabbing me in my groin. I can literally feel my pubic bone separated. I can feel there is a gap where there shouldn't be one. Sometimes I cry when it is time to go to bed because I know sleeping is going to hurt so much and that I'm going to be up all night. Sometimes I cry in the morning because I'm so exhausted and in so much pain from sleeping. Sleeping is the most painful thing of all. When my legs are together on my side, even with a pillow between them, it literally feels like my pelvis and pubic bone are being crushed. I lay in bed at night taking deep breaths over and over again until I either fall asleep because I'm just so tired, or like tonight, I get up and just decide I'd rather bet tired and stay up all night than be in that much pain. I can't breath when I lay on my back and my legs get so jumpy when I sleep propped up that it feels like bugs are crawling all over my entire body.

Today was my last grocery shopping trip. I've been able to handle the pain of grocery shopping because I can hold onto the cart. Most days I just decide I'd rather get out of the house and be in pain than be stuck in here. Today was the last day of that. I was in so much pain by the time we got to the checkout that I was literally talking myself through it all: "just finish putting the groceries on the belt, you just have to pay now, you just have to walk to the car, okay now carefully put Lilly Belle into the car, you're almost home..." I got home and told Matt that the only times I'll be leaving the house now are on Wednesday mornings for Lilly Belle's co-op preschool, Friday afternoons when I HAVE to teach my preschool dance class (money is stupid), and then only when Matt can take me out in my wheelchair. That's going to be REALLY hard for Lilly Belle too. She needs to get out of the house just as much as I do or we turn into crazy people.

I am angry because I always imagined really soaking this time up with Lilly Belle before we become a family of 4. I'm finally a stay at home mom. Something I have dreamt of my whole life, and yet...I can't even go to the park with her. I can't pick her up. I feel like I'm losing all this time with her. I already cry every time I think about all the time I missed with her when she was born and I had 8 million things going on. And then all the time I missed with her when we moved here and I had another 8 million things going on. For once, my whole world is just being her mommy and... I'm gone. I'm so far gone. I'm not myself. I'm angry a lot because I'm hurting so much. I'm sad a lot. I'm tired all the time. I'm not the mommy I want to be. It crushes me.

This has been a nightmare.

But then... Lucy will kick me. In the moments when I just want to cry because I'm in pain and so done, I'll feel her move and I'll remember that this is all worth it. I'll picture this amazing baby growing inside of me and wonder what she looks like and wonder what hilarious things she is going to do to make us all laugh. I'll wonder if she'll be quiet and shy or if she's going to be outgoing and talkative. I daydream about holding her and nursing her and how she is going to smell. I get so excited about little things like seeing her in all the cloth diapers we've been stocking up on or watching Lilly Belle help her when she's crying. I think about all the nights I'll GET to be up because I'm in nursing her. In no pain. Just holding my sweet baby girl and rocking her and singing to her and just soaking her all up. In just 11.5 weeks (or maybe less...I won't let it be more) she will be in my arms and all the pain will all be gone. Or, on it's way to being gone. Everyday after she is born there will be less and less pain, until one day, there won't be any pain and I'll be able to walk. Then I'll be able to run... and dance!

I cannot wait to play with Lilly Belle on the playground. I cannot wait to pick her up and swing her around. I can't wait to be able to lay on my side to snuggle up to her when she sleeps with us at night. I can't wait to skip with her and chase her around at Disney again. I cannot wait to hold my girls... both of them... together... at the same time!

I have to remember that I am so lucky that this isn't a forever thing. There are so many people in this world who live with pain all day everyday and it won't go away for them. There are way too many people who need their wheelchairs 24/7 and won't ever get to walk again. I get to walk again. I am lucky for that. My freedom gets to come back. This isn't forever. This is eleven and a half more weeks.

I have to just make it through this. And one day, I'm going to forget how much this hurt and I'll probably do it all over again. Because, at the end of the day... that sweet baby that will be in my arms at the end of this is going to make our lives even better. Right now, I cannot imagine anything being better than being just Lilly Belle's mommy - but I know that we are going to love Lucy just as much. That is so crazy to me. We will have TWO little girls to love with our whole hearts. TWO little girls that we'll look at and want to just burst because we love them so much.

Eleven and a half more weeks and I'll have my Lilly Belle and my Lulu BOTH in my arms! Until then, if I cry or seem like a crazy person... just remember it's because I've probably slept for maybe 2 or 3 hours the night before and I'm in a lot of constant pain. I'm not trying to be crazy or impatient or get frustrated so easily or be extra sensitive. It's just really hard.

I am so incredibly thankful for Matt. I could literally not have ever done this without him. He is there everyday to make sure that I'm as comfortable as I can be. He gets me dressed. He helps me in and out of the shower or bath. He helps me with everything. He is working from home now to help me. He pushes me in my wheelchair in 95 degree FL humidity just so I can get out of the house. He helps me with Lilly Belle. He gets mad at me for getting off the couch when it is something he could easily get for me or do for Lilly Belle. He is literally there for me 24/7. He sometimes even has to pick me up out of bed. He is constantly telling me that I'm his rock. He's told me that now for almost 8 years. Now though... he is mine. I've never felt depressed before in my life. I've had anxiety before, but never depression. He is getting me through this though. He won't let me lose myself. Even in my darkest moments, he makes me feel like I'm special and beautiful and even sometimes a little bit strong again. ...

This is all almost over. I'm going to try to sleep again now. I've got a comforter and a bunch of pillows out here in the living room and I'm going to try to sleep on the couch for a couple hours before Lilly Belle comes out here crying and asking me to "please come back and sleep in the bed..."

It's almost over...

Adventures in Preschool Homeschooling

Wow, I really stink at blogging. I really want to be better about it and spend time on it because I love looking back on old posts. Especially the ones of Lilly Belle.

Lots of changes are going on around here: I am 22 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Lucy. I am now a Stay at Home Mom. I am just teaching my dance classes 2 hours/week. We sold FIT4MOM - more specifically, are in the process of selling. We have decided to homeschool Lilly Belle for preschool this year. I created a preschool co-op called, Bloom that now has almost 50 moms signed up in our FB group. My PSD is so bad that I can't do very much physical activity, and by physical activity I mean I cannot move without lots of pain. We are moving in September to a town next door to where we currently live, into a 3 bedroom condo. We are still in our "Year of Savings", which is why we are moving. I haven't blogged about it, but we have been going strong!

THIS post is going to be about our newest adventure...homeschooling! We have not officially started yet, we are just doing things here and there this month and the beginning of next month until we officially begin mid-August. Most of it right now is just Lilly Belle and I doing activities together here at home that don't involve me moving around (or very little) and that she is learning while doing. I'm trying to avoid 4 months of movies and TV as each week that Lucy grows more and more, I can move less and less and am using my walker and wheelchair more and more.

I wanted to document some of the fun things that Lilly Belle and I have been working on together. It is fun for me to watch her grow and learn. I feel so lucky that I get to be here with her to watch her learn so many new things and discover her world.

This is one of her favorite games. She got it last year for Christmas. We found it in the dollar section at Target. You are suppose to use the spinner and put that color and number of underpants into the wash machine, but we make up our own rules.

This specific time, she went and got this game out and told me that SHE was going to tell me how to play. I asked her if she was putting all the purple underpants together. Then I saw her put down the yellow ones. I teased her and said, "Is that purple??". She said, "No, it's yellow. Look, they are the same KIND of underpants." ..... okay smarty pants!

She then sorted all the underpants by type as I sat next to her just watching without saying a word. I was pretty impressed. I'm always pretty impressed...

Lilly Belle has discovered she can draw faces now. She is slowly getting rid of naps. They are slowly becoming shorter and shorter. Her new thing now is that while she is trying to fall asleep, she brings in her magnet drawing board and will draw people as she gets tired. This specific drawing is of Daddy. He has a head, hair, a mouth, two eyes, AND two legs. The other day she drew a face with glasses as well!

Sometimes in the afternoons I am in a lot of pain, so I will end up putting a movie on. I can't handle the mommy guilt of her just sitting watching a movie even though I'm struggling to grow a human ;) so I will put her work table in the living room, give her a pile of worksheets and her cookie sheet and then she works on her worksheets while watching her movie. Then my mommy guilt goes away...

I found these oversized tweezers in the school section at the Dollar Store and she has really enjoyed playing with them. The first couple times we brought this out, it frustrated her with the little ones so she ended up picking them up with her hands. I'd ask her to use the tweezers, she would get frustrated and throw them ALL on the floor like a crazy person, I mean...2 year old. Now that she has gotten the hang of it, she likes to play with them, but NOT if I tell her how to sort them. She likes to just "free play" with them. I'm fine with that.

We only do worksheets if she's watching a movie or if she asks for them. Sometimes she will wake up from nap asking, "Can we do school activities?" and that means worksheets. I have found TONS online and have been printing them out for her to work on. Some of them I've also printed and laminated on cardstock for her to use over and over. Some, like this one, I've printed multiple copies of because I enjoy looking at her progress each time she does a new one.

THIS is gold. I have been spending hours and hours and hours putting together activities, file folder games, and small work games for her to do once Lucy is born. She has not gotten to play with ANY of these yet, even though she's been asking while she watches me print, cut and laminate them all day everyday. I'm laminating everything so that we can use it again with Lucy one day. And if I'm lucky, any future babies after her ;) This picture is only about 1/2 of what I have in the file box now. Once we move, I will have more space because we are using one of the bedrooms as our office / play / homeschool room, and I will organize this a bit differently. For now...gold!

Lilly Belle LOVED this activity. I cut it all out and wrote the letters on it for her. She did the gluing and spelling as much as she could. Anytime she gets to use glue, she's a happy girl. We have had this art hanging on our living room wall for over a week now and she can now recognize all the letters in her name. Prior to this project, she only knew "L" consistently. She likes to run over and shout out the letters. "L" is HER letter. We've told her she's going to have to share with Lucy, but she wasn't having it ;)

Watching her do her worksheets in sometimes under 30 seconds, hold a pen like she's been doing it for years, trace letters perfectly, and talk like she is 15, always makes me wonder, "what else can she do?" So I've been trying some more challenging activities with her this week. She is NOT a fan of patterns at the moment. This is her first introduction to them. I know she can do a simple AB Pattern, but when asked to do it on an activity like this, she flips out. "I can't! I don't like this! I will try tomorrow, okay!" She is used to things coming easily to her and numbers, counting, and patterns have been difficult for her so far. I feel bad for her because that is where I struggle as well and it made school so hard in high school. Thank goodness her daddy is so good at math!!

It took so long to make this for her. I LOVE doing it, but I love doing it because I'm always so excited to get to watch her play with the activity I've created for her. This time, she played with this for maybe 3 minutes before deciding it would be a lot more fun to just decorate the refrigerator with these new magnets. It took a couple deep breaths from me, and then I was fine with it. We moved on and I'll try it again with her in a couple weeks. It's all laminated, filed and ready to go for next time! 

Here was another pattern activity we tried. I created the pattern cards in a program called Canva. Then printed them on cardstock, cut them and will be laminating them for her. I found her Velcro popsicle sticks I made for her last year so we got those out. I thought she would love this, but I should have known... patterns. These pictures were literally about as long as she did this activity. I started with a regular approach. Did an example for her and then told her she could try. She immediately said, "NO." So I asked her if maybe she could try to do it super fast and we could race! That was this photo...

I saw she hated it so I pointed out that one of them was a rainbow. She was interested but was frustrated that the sticks did not fit under the card under the appropriate color. She wanted them to all fit underneath the card. She also did NOT want to put them in order from left to right. I think she was doing it to piss me off though ;) No, for real. I'm pretty sure that's why she was putting them down randomly. She was whining this entire 5 minutes we had this activity out lol. I didn't make her try any more after this. I put it away, gave her a hug and asked her if she wanted to color...

Life with my "Threenager" these days...

Lilly Belle can do her Do a Dot worksheets like this spot and dot one, in under 30 seconds. It's kind of crazy. I have to have like 15 printed out for her and she just flies through them. I get these out for her sometimes when she's in a bad mood or frustrated with something. It makes her feel good when she's so good at them :)

I found these awesome story pages at the Dollar Store in packs of 5. I am going to copy them and print them out for her in stacks because she LOVES it. It makes me so happy because when I was little and in preschool and kindergarten, I always chose the Writing Center when we got to choose. She loves to draw and write and then have me write on the back what she wrote so she can show Daddy. This story was about her best friend Lucas, his house, and his family.

She was drawing a "roof" and "stairs" that belong on his house.

We made sun catchers the other day and she did so well with it. I wish I would have just let her finish when she was really done and then made another in a few months to see the change in her attention span. I might actually have her make another one so I can check that. She filled it about 3/4 way and then said she was done and only ended up filling it because I made it a game with her.

These I am so excited about! We don't work on numbers much. I don't like them. She doesn't like them. But, they're important and it is really important to Matt that she start to know her numbers a bit more. As of today, she only recognizes the numbers 1, 8, and 10. She can count to 10 correctly. She can count to 20 by making numbers up, like "eleventeen" and then mixing all the teen numbers up and saying them as fast as she can and then shouting "TWENTY!" She doesn't like to slow down. She likes to do things FAST. (sounds like someone I know..... oops!)

 Found these printables at: www.alittlepinchofperfect.com

This was the first time I got these out for her. I just want her to start becoming familiar with how the numbers look, and hearing them all. She's never really heard anyone count past 20, so I'm going to start with this very... very slowly. I had her count to 10 and point to the numbers. She has a hard time with one to one counting. She counts faster than her finger or points faster than her words. She helped me count and point to 10. Then, for the teens, I had her search through the pile for each number to add. I helped her when needed, which was for most. Then she got to put it on and I'd read the number to her. Then we counted and pointed to 20. Then we did the same with the twenties excepted even more assisted by me. She just likes putting the numbers on the card. I am hoping that she can count to 20 by the time she is 3 1/2.  I know that once she is mentally ready to memorize numbers, it will happen quickly, so I'm not pushing it, but I am going to continue to make it a part of our day for her to be hearing the numbers aloud and to be seeing them as well. Repetition!!!

I've always dreamt of being a teacher and our hope is that one day I can be one. I am really enjoying teaching Lilly Belle. Her and I are having so much fun together and really learning a lot from one another. Today we bought a magnifying glass at Toys R Us so next on my list is for her and Matt to go on some nature walks and find bugs!! :) I'll get to go along soon enough... and it will be even better because Lucy can come along with her big sister too!

Year Of Savings Update - Week #1

Budget Update Week #1

We are coming to the end of our first week with our newly tightened budget in effort to pay off all of our debt and save for our first home! I am pretty pleased with how we are doing this week.

Spending Update

We spent some extra money this week and decided to sign Lilly Belle up for horseback riding lessons. Her 60-minute lessons are $35.00. We like that it gives her a lifetime hobby and is something that will teach her a lot of responsibility. It's an investment for her future and makes her really happy. We also failed a bit and ate out for lunch at Culver's. We did not know Culver's existed here in FL and it is our fav-or-ite. We saw one in our new favorite little town here after Lilly Belle's horseback riding lessons and couldn't resist. I was so angry afterwards because it was $30. So between her riding lesson $35 + a $15 tip because her sweet 15 year old instructor was working so hard and kept our baby safe, and then $30 at Culver's cost us $80 we weren't planning on at the beginning of the week. That was all we spent this week.

Grocery Update

I went grocery shopping for the first time using my new plan with minimal (or no) meat for dinner and am super proud that I came in at $116 for the week when my goal was $100. Now that I've shopped at Aldi, I am more prepared for next week's shopping trip and know now that I can't get everything I need there. I will also be prepared that when I need to go to Publix that I don't go while I'm hungry or thirsty (bought a bunch of Smart Water, chocolate milk, and a $1 snack sized container of Vanilla Oreos). Dropping those items which weren't necessary, I could have easily saved another $8-$10.

Every. Dollar. Counts.

Budget Adjustments

Matt and I found a new storage unit that will bring the cost from $75.00/month to just $28.00/month and in a safer neighborhood. I'm excited about this. That is another $564.00 savings for the year. I also have an amazing friend who gave me some incredible budget tips. She told me about Coke Rewards (we don't drink it but friends do and I like bottled water so I'll start just buying Dasani), Starbucks Rewards, couponing, and more! Another thing on my list is to head to our storage unit when we move it over and see if there is anything in there that we can sell. I want to do a big purge. We have so-much-stuff. All it does is add clutter and more for me to clean. We're going to start simplifying. Hopefully we can make some extra money by doing that to pay off some of those doctor bills I have from our miscarriage.

Debt Update

Nothing able to get paid off yet. Still in the process of making our adjustments and we are hoping that next month we can start to make a chunk in our debt.

Goals for Week #2
I am doing a huge marketing push for both dance and FIT4MOM and I hope that will help us a ton this month. My goal is to work 2 hours on FIT4MOM (in addition to teaching), 30 minutes for dance, and 1 hour on my blog each day. I also want to spend 1 hour/week on bettering myself for my businesses. That means waking up a bit earlier and pre-scheduling more posts on social media. We are also looking into an additional form of income for our family that I would really enjoy and I don't think would add too much time. I am also doing some major delegating with FIT4MOM in hopes of less time and more growth.

Overall, great week. It's feeling exciting to be doing this and to be going for it. It's been awesome to be EVEN more conscious of our spending. Since moving here we have HAD to be aware and careful, but now I'm taking it to the extreme and it's awesome. Matt's been so supportive and on board, even with the new foods I've been making. I think next week I'll surprise him with a pork chops, brown rice & broccoli night instead of a full vegetarian week (he'll be so happy)!

Stay tuned...

Lilly Belle Goes Horseback Riding!

We had the most wonderful weekend. Lilly Belle got to have her first horseback riding lesson, and we are certain that this is going to be something she enjoys for a really long time, if not forever. Going into it, we thought that maybe she would be nervous and possibly cry going by the horses for the first time. We were very wrong. Girlfriend practically ran to the horses in her little cowgirl boots. We had to remind her time and time again to move slowly and talk calmly with them.

We have signed her up to go every other week. She'll only go once this month because of Mother's Day and our upcoming trip to Seattle, but beginning in June she will go continuously every other Saturday.

It was pretty much the cutest thing we've ever seen her do...She's getting so big.

We let her do everything on her own with Miss Rachel. She had to help prep and groom her horse and had to help Miss Rachel go back and forth into the shed to get everything they needed. There were picnic tables there that Matt and I sat at for the majority of the time. I could feel her bursting with pride and independence.

She has been telling everyone that she has seen today about her lesson. I can't wait until we can take her back!