10 Weeks Pregnant with my Angel

Some days are harder than others. I was "strong" all day yesterday. It was Christmas. Lilly Belle is 2. She had been waiting for Christmas and to see what Santa was going to have under the tree for her since before Thanksgiving. I kept it together all day. We had fun. I will write about Christmas later, but right now I just need to write about my angel and how my baby is still in me. And how that is killing me. The past three weeks have been the hardest weeks of my entire life. From an emotional rollercoaster to start it off to now feeling the saddest and most lost in my entire life, it has been just really, really hard. It sucks. It really sucks. Yesterday felt like something was missing. I missed my baby and I grieved for all that I had planned for Christmas Day. We were supposed to announce our baby. We were going to give Lilly Belle her Big Sister Kit complete with her Big Sister Mickey Ears, big sister books, a doll, and her own little bag. Our Christmas/New Years cards were supposed to get sent out a few nights before. The cards announcing our sweet Baby #2. I miss my baby. I miss my baby so much.

I cried a lot today. Today was hard. Today sucked. This morning I felt so angry. I am 10 weeks 'pregnant' with our angel today. I am still technically pregnant which is the hardest part. 10 weeks of carrying my child's body in mine. And now knowing my sweet baby is there but is lifeless and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't fix my baby. I can't help my baby. I can't bring my baby back. But it's still there. My body won't let go. I'm doing all I can to tell my body to please, please just let go. I try hard to relax and pray. I pray to God to please let my body let go. I don't want surgery. I don't want my baby to be taken from me...again. I don't want to go into surgery awake and with my baby and then go out, have my baby taken from me...scraped or vacuumed out from me...and then wake up to feeling completely empty and lost. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Matt has been so incredible. He knew Christmas was awful for me. This morning, he had all the decorations and tree cleaned up and put away by 9:00am. He then moved our entire living room around to how I've been wanting it so I would feel more comfortable and more at home. He spent the whole day taking care of me. He let me take a bath. He let me go to Trader Joes alone. I struggled today.

This morning I fell apart in the living room. I was sitting on the couch and just started crying. I cried that I wanted my baby back. Lilly Belle was playing in her room and Matt held me. Lilly Belle heard me and came out. She pushed her way between Matt and I and then crawled up to snuggle on me. She wrapped her little arms around me and rubbed my face. She said, "its okay mommy. I'm right here, mommy. I'm right here. Baby sister is an angel. It will be okay mommy. I love you mommy. I'm right here. I'm right here..."

I held her as tight as I could and just sobbed. And she just let me and continued to hug me back and rub my face. Matt held us both as he cried hard too. This has been so hard on all three of us. We lost sweet "baby sister" and forever will have an angel with us.

Matt got stern with me the other night when I was crying. All of my friends keep saying how I am so strong and they're amazed at how strong I am being. He told me to stop. I don't have to be strong. I'm not right now and that is OK! It felt so good to hear. It felt good to have permission to just feel. It felt good to feel like I don't have to keep it all together right now, because honestly, I just can't. I miss my baby all the time. Especially because it's not gone yet. I am 10 weeks pregnant with our second sweet baby yet I'll never get to meet or hold my sweet sweeet baby. I'll never get to look him or her in the eyes and tell them how much I love them. I will never get to hear them laugh or hold them when they cry. I'll never get to nurse them or rock them to sleep in the glider. It hurts. It hurts so so much.

I have lost my symptoms. I just feel like me again except with a bit larger tummy and breasts. I wish that my sweet bump was growing. I wish it more than anything in this whole world. I wish that today we were at Disney fighting off the ridiculous Christmas crowds so that I could get my bump picture with a character holding my little number banner.

Today as we were cleaning I found my pregnancy test and our "I'm Celebrating Baby #2" buttons from Disney when I told Matt we were pregnant during the fireworks at Epcot. I held them and cried. I want to put them away. But I'm scared to. My 4 year old nephew drew me a picture of our baby. It will be on our refrigerator forever. My parents got me a little ceramic teddy bear angel with a July birthstone and that will forever be on my shelf. Right now it feels like that picture and that little bear are all I have of our baby. Those and the slowly fading picture in my mind of our ultrasound. I wish she would have printed it out for me. I'd hold it. I miss my baby. I am so scared of what is coming next. I am scared of the pill that will make me bleed and bleed until it's gone. I am scared of the pain, enormous amounts of blood, contractions, and nausea that come with it. I am scared of surgery. I'm scared of not waking up and losing Matt and Lilly Belle. I am scared of waking up and having scar tissue and not being able to conceive again. I don't understand why this is happening or why it is happening this awful, awful way. It is dragging on and on. December 2015 will forever be the worst month of my life. And at the same time, the most amazing as Lilly Belle and Matt are closer to me now than ever before.

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant with my angel. Today was hard.