I haven't blogged at all about Lucy. I announced we are pregnant again and then stopped there. I write to her often in her journal, but haven't blogged here about her or my pregnancy. That's probably because it has not been all that wonderful. It has actually been a bit of a nightmare.
Week 5: threw out my back - couldn't take any medicine - chiropractor helped a bit
Week 9/10: hemorrhaging - thought we lost our baby again - modified bed rest / no activity until they were gone
Week 14 - Present: severe Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction
I have now been pregnant for 9 months (with a few weeks in between pregnancies) and still have 11.5 weeks to go. It has not been an easy 9 months. I love Lucy so much. I try so hard to soak up all of her kicks and rolls as much as I can because she may have to be our last baby.
We always thought we would for sure have at least 3 kids and maybe 4. I always said for sure 4, Matt always says maybe 4. But 3 was always for sure. I just don't know if I'd be able to do this all over again and that crushes me. I love being a mom. I've wanted to be a mom since I knew I could be a mom. I've dreamt of my family with kids running all around for my whole life. In my dreams though, I could run around with them. I could pick them up. I could walk. I could move. I could sleep.
Not being able to move without pain is really hard when I have Lilly Belle to take care of as well. The mommy guilt is no joke. It is depressing. I've never felt more sad, alone, and depressed in my life. I have always been very active and have used exercise as my stress relief. I dream about the day when Lucy will be about 6 weeks old and I can go for a run, hell, even a walk, with my girls.
I have a wheelchair so that we can go out and do things as a family. The wheelchair makes me so angry. I lose all freedom when I'm in it. Matt likes to get me out of the house and for us to go to Disney together and will push me all day if I let him, but I cannot stand it. Last week we went to Epcot and I really wanted to go on Soarin'. Matt couldn't go with me because Lilly Belle is not tall enough. Usually if I have to push myself or do something with my wheelchair, I won't go because it makes me feel awkward and I don't like all the stares and how uncomfortable it all feels. We asked the cast member if Matt could push me through the line and then get out of line with Lilly Belle and they said no, I'd have to go alone. I really wanted to ride, and I was sick of not being able to do anything, so I told Matt I'd go try. Well... the entire cue is on carpet... up hill. The cast member sent me through the FastPass line, so there was a LONG line ahead of me with no one there - just open space for a really long time in front and in back of me and...I got stuck. Right there in line, I could not push myself up the hill on carpet. I wasn't strong enough. I felt weak. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I had zero freedom. I cried. Right there in line. I cried. Kids ran past me. A whole family passed me. And then, a man saw I was stuck and said he was pushing me the rest of the way. I asked him to just please turn my chair around so I could wheel myself back but he didn't want me to miss the ride because of the line, so he pushed me the whole-rest-of-the way. It was so kind of him. But all I felt was extreme embarrassment. It was awful. I went on the ride and loved it so much. Afterwards, I got back in my wheelchair and went to start going only to realize... all up hill on carpet again. The man, without asking, came back, told me he was pushing me, and pushed me all the way back to Matt in the waiting area. Matt and I both thanked him so much. Then he walked away and Matt kissed me and told me how proud he was of me for doing that on my own. I cried because I felt so helpless and stuck and powerless.
I miss feeling like myself. I miss feeling powerful and strong. I miss feeling freedom. I miss not being in pain. I wish for like 1 minute of the day I could walk without pain. Just for a minute. I wish I had patience with Lilly Belle like I used to. I wish I didn't lose my temper so much. I never used to yell at her, ever. Lately, I've been losing my cool more than I'd ever have liked. It makes me feel terrible and awful. It's hard to be in constant pain and also keep my patience all day long. I miss not having to think about picking toys up off the ground or if I really want to do that load of laundry because of how much it will hurt afterwards. I wish I didn't sigh and want to cry when she asks me to get up to take her potty... again. It hurts to much to pick her up. I miss not counting my steps around the house to remind myself when I'm taking to many. I wish I could get into bed to do story time with Lilly Belle. I wish I could sleep. It is 2:30am right now. I'm so tired, but it hurts so much when I lay down. Shooting, burning, stabbing pain all day long in my groin, butt, and pubic bone. Every step I take feels like someone is stabbing me in my groin. I can literally feel my pubic bone separated. I can feel there is a gap where there shouldn't be one. Sometimes I cry when it is time to go to bed because I know sleeping is going to hurt so much and that I'm going to be up all night. Sometimes I cry in the morning because I'm so exhausted and in so much pain from sleeping. Sleeping is the most painful thing of all. When my legs are together on my side, even with a pillow between them, it literally feels like my pelvis and pubic bone are being crushed. I lay in bed at night taking deep breaths over and over again until I either fall asleep because I'm just so tired, or like tonight, I get up and just decide I'd rather bet tired and stay up all night than be in that much pain. I can't breath when I lay on my back and my legs get so jumpy when I sleep propped up that it feels like bugs are crawling all over my entire body.
Today was my last grocery shopping trip. I've been able to handle the pain of grocery shopping because I can hold onto the cart. Most days I just decide I'd rather get out of the house and be in pain than be stuck in here. Today was the last day of that. I was in so much pain by the time we got to the checkout that I was literally talking myself through it all: "just finish putting the groceries on the belt, you just have to pay now, you just have to walk to the car, okay now carefully put Lilly Belle into the car, you're almost home..." I got home and told Matt that the only times I'll be leaving the house now are on Wednesday mornings for Lilly Belle's co-op preschool, Friday afternoons when I HAVE to teach my preschool dance class (money is stupid), and then only when Matt can take me out in my wheelchair. That's going to be REALLY hard for Lilly Belle too. She needs to get out of the house just as much as I do or we turn into crazy people.
I am angry because I always imagined really soaking this time up with Lilly Belle before we become a family of 4. I'm finally a stay at home mom. Something I have dreamt of my whole life, and yet...I can't even go to the park with her. I can't pick her up. I feel like I'm losing all this time with her. I already cry every time I think about all the time I missed with her when she was born and I had 8 million things going on. And then all the time I missed with her when we moved here and I had another 8 million things going on. For once, my whole world is just being her mommy and... I'm gone. I'm so far gone. I'm not myself. I'm angry a lot because I'm hurting so much. I'm sad a lot. I'm tired all the time. I'm not the mommy I want to be. It crushes me.
This has been a nightmare.
But then... Lucy will kick me. In the moments when I just want to cry because I'm in pain and so done, I'll feel her move and I'll remember that this is all worth it. I'll picture this amazing baby growing inside of me and wonder what she looks like and wonder what hilarious things she is going to do to make us all laugh. I'll wonder if she'll be quiet and shy or if she's going to be outgoing and talkative. I daydream about holding her and nursing her and how she is going to smell. I get so excited about little things like seeing her in all the cloth diapers we've been stocking up on or watching Lilly Belle help her when she's crying. I think about all the nights I'll GET to be up because I'm in nursing her. In no pain. Just holding my sweet baby girl and rocking her and singing to her and just soaking her all up. In just 11.5 weeks (or maybe less...I won't let it be more) she will be in my arms and all the pain will all be gone. Or, on it's way to being gone. Everyday after she is born there will be less and less pain, until one day, there won't be any pain and I'll be able to walk. Then I'll be able to run... and dance!
I cannot wait to play with Lilly Belle on the playground. I cannot wait to pick her up and swing her around. I can't wait to be able to lay on my side to snuggle up to her when she sleeps with us at night. I can't wait to skip with her and chase her around at Disney again. I cannot wait to hold my girls... both of them... together... at the same time!
I have to remember that I am so lucky that this isn't a forever thing. There are so many people in this world who live with pain all day everyday and it won't go away for them. There are way too many people who need their wheelchairs 24/7 and won't ever get to walk again. I get to walk again. I am lucky for that. My freedom gets to come back. This isn't forever. This is eleven and a half more weeks.
I have to just make it through this. And one day, I'm going to forget how much this hurt and I'll probably do it all over again. Because, at the end of the day... that sweet baby that will be in my arms at the end of this is going to make our lives even better. Right now, I cannot imagine anything being better than being just Lilly Belle's mommy - but I know that we are going to love Lucy just as much. That is so crazy to me. We will have TWO little girls to love with our whole hearts. TWO little girls that we'll look at and want to just burst because we love them so much.
Eleven and a half more weeks and I'll have my Lilly Belle and my Lulu BOTH in my arms! Until then, if I cry or seem like a crazy person... just remember it's because I've probably slept for maybe 2 or 3 hours the night before and I'm in a lot of constant pain. I'm not trying to be crazy or impatient or get frustrated so easily or be extra sensitive. It's just really hard.
I am so incredibly thankful for Matt. I could literally not have ever done this without him. He is there everyday to make sure that I'm as comfortable as I can be. He gets me dressed. He helps me in and out of the shower or bath. He helps me with everything. He is working from home now to help me. He pushes me in my wheelchair in 95 degree FL humidity just so I can get out of the house. He helps me with Lilly Belle. He gets mad at me for getting off the couch when it is something he could easily get for me or do for Lilly Belle. He is literally there for me 24/7. He sometimes even has to pick me up out of bed. He is constantly telling me that I'm his rock. He's told me that now for almost 8 years. Now though... he is mine. I've never felt depressed before in my life. I've had anxiety before, but never depression. He is getting me through this though. He won't let me lose myself. Even in my darkest moments, he makes me feel like I'm special and beautiful and even sometimes a little bit strong again. ...
This is all almost over. I'm going to try to sleep again now. I've got a comforter and a bunch of pillows out here in the living room and I'm going to try to sleep on the couch for a couple hours before Lilly Belle comes out here crying and asking me to "please come back and sleep in the bed..."
It's almost over...