Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Christmas Eve | | 2015

Christmas Eve in the Lanese House was super relaxed this year. Lilly Belle and I spent the morning baking cookies and playing while Matt worked from home. We made our favorite Peanut Butter Blossoms even though we still had like 4 dozen cookies left from the cookie exchange I had with my friends.

Lilly Belle and I had to run to Target for a few last minute things and when we came home, Nana and Papa's presents had arrived and Matt had them all set up under the tree. We Skyped with them while we opened our gifts and Lilly Belle was so excited to "see" them!

Just as we were about to head out to church before dinner, my childhood dance coach and her girls surprised us with a visit! I didn't know they were in Orlando until Matt saw it on Facebook a few hours before. Lilly Belle showed them her recital dance and they taught her a few cute little songs too - she loved it! It was a really nice visit and felt good to have some "family" with us for Christmas. I was feeling homesick all day.

We made it over to church and Lilly Belle was thrilled to see that her friend Emilie was in Kids Church with her. They got to go on a train ride outside around the parking lot during the service and she made me a sweet nativity craft. Lilly Belle is like mommy and loves going to church!

We headed home for our usual traditions - even though it was super late! We had our chicken asparagus casserole (tradition for 8 years now since Matt and I were dating and he made it for me). We had hot chocolate and popcorn while we watched The Grinch and Mickey's Christmas Carol. Lilly Belle was exhausted so we read her The Night Before Christmas and she got to sleep in our bed. She loves when she gets to sleep in our room! She was also excited to wear her Santa "footies"!

One last time checking the Santa Tracker! He was in London. She didn't understand where that was, but we have some friends who were in England, so I told her that Pennie and Poppy were getting their presents delivered and she was happy about that.

We set out the cookies and then it was time for Santa's Elves to get to work! We put the hoop together in about 3 minutes and was time for that crazy kitchen. It took us 3 hours to put it together. Matt and I usually hate putting things together...together, but this wasn't so bad.
We were exhausted at midnight when it was all done, especially knowing Lilly Belle would be up crazy early the next morning!

It was a wonderful Christmas Eve. I'm so thankful for our little family and that we have Lilly Belle to experience Christmas with now.

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Monday, December 28, 2015

Dear Lilly Belle

Dear Lilly Belle,

My sweet girl. You are getting so big. I haven't wrote you a letter in a long time and I am feeling like there is so much I want to tell you right now. I have so much that I want to remember about who you are right now. You are just 2 years old, but you are wise beyond your years. You can feel others emotions and are so good at comforting people. We just had a sweet baby go to Heaven, and you have been so incredible through it all. You are one amazing little girl.

I call you my little best friend. It is so incredibly true. We do everything together. You're always by my side. When I say that, I mean that literally. Today I couldn't take a bath alone without you crying at the door saying "please mommy. I just want to come in. Please mommy open the door!" (you got to come in, stinker). We spend all of our days together. We do so much together. You are so sweet with daddy and love him to pieces until I'm around - then daddy gets frustrated because you're attached to my hip.

You bring so much joy to my life. You bring so much joy to daddy's life. I cannot imagine our lives without you in it making us laugh and smile. This Christmas was hard with losing our angel baby, but oh so magical to see it all through your beautiful eyes. You are so verbal and animated. Christmas morning was so special - you loved it all so much. You were so grateful for each an every gift and thing we did with you.

I just want you to know that I love you. I don't want there to ever be a day that goes by that you guess how much I love you. You are my whole entire world. From the second I saw you I knew you were going to complete me. You made me a mommy and that is the best gift in the entire world. You are so precious to me. I can't begin to tell you how many times a day daddy and I just want to squeeze you.

I try so hard to soak you all up. All of your smiles. All your giggles. Even your tantrums. All of it. I want to bottle you up. I know you are getting older and there will be a day when you don't want me by you every second. This time, in the big scheme of things, is so short. I soak it all up. If you want to be held, I hold you. If you want to take a bath with me, I let you. You're so little but think you are so big.

I love you my sweet girl. Always always. You are the light of my life.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

10 Weeks Pregnant with my Angel

Some days are harder than others. I was "strong" all day yesterday. It was Christmas. Lilly Belle is 2. She had been waiting for Christmas and to see what Santa was going to have under the tree for her since before Thanksgiving. I kept it together all day. We had fun. I will write about Christmas later, but right now I just need to write about my angel and how my baby is still in me. And how that is killing me. The past three weeks have been the hardest weeks of my entire life. From an emotional rollercoaster to start it off to now feeling the saddest and most lost in my entire life, it has been just really, really hard. It sucks. It really sucks. Yesterday felt like something was missing. I missed my baby and I grieved for all that I had planned for Christmas Day. We were supposed to announce our baby. We were going to give Lilly Belle her Big Sister Kit complete with her Big Sister Mickey Ears, big sister books, a doll, and her own little bag. Our Christmas/New Years cards were supposed to get sent out a few nights before. The cards announcing our sweet Baby #2. I miss my baby. I miss my baby so much.

I cried a lot today. Today was hard. Today sucked. This morning I felt so angry. I am 10 weeks 'pregnant' with our angel today. I am still technically pregnant which is the hardest part. 10 weeks of carrying my child's body in mine. And now knowing my sweet baby is there but is lifeless and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't fix my baby. I can't help my baby. I can't bring my baby back. But it's still there. My body won't let go. I'm doing all I can to tell my body to please, please just let go. I try hard to relax and pray. I pray to God to please let my body let go. I don't want surgery. I don't want my baby to be taken from me...again. I don't want to go into surgery awake and with my baby and then go out, have my baby taken from me...scraped or vacuumed out from me...and then wake up to feeling completely empty and lost. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Matt has been so incredible. He knew Christmas was awful for me. This morning, he had all the decorations and tree cleaned up and put away by 9:00am. He then moved our entire living room around to how I've been wanting it so I would feel more comfortable and more at home. He spent the whole day taking care of me. He let me take a bath. He let me go to Trader Joes alone. I struggled today.

This morning I fell apart in the living room. I was sitting on the couch and just started crying. I cried that I wanted my baby back. Lilly Belle was playing in her room and Matt held me. Lilly Belle heard me and came out. She pushed her way between Matt and I and then crawled up to snuggle on me. She wrapped her little arms around me and rubbed my face. She said, "its okay mommy. I'm right here, mommy. I'm right here. Baby sister is an angel. It will be okay mommy. I love you mommy. I'm right here. I'm right here..."

I held her as tight as I could and just sobbed. And she just let me and continued to hug me back and rub my face. Matt held us both as he cried hard too. This has been so hard on all three of us. We lost sweet "baby sister" and forever will have an angel with us.

Matt got stern with me the other night when I was crying. All of my friends keep saying how I am so strong and they're amazed at how strong I am being. He told me to stop. I don't have to be strong. I'm not right now and that is OK! It felt so good to hear. It felt good to have permission to just feel. It felt good to feel like I don't have to keep it all together right now, because honestly, I just can't. I miss my baby all the time. Especially because it's not gone yet. I am 10 weeks pregnant with our second sweet baby yet I'll never get to meet or hold my sweet sweeet baby. I'll never get to look him or her in the eyes and tell them how much I love them. I will never get to hear them laugh or hold them when they cry. I'll never get to nurse them or rock them to sleep in the glider. It hurts. It hurts so so much.

I have lost my symptoms. I just feel like me again except with a bit larger tummy and breasts. I wish that my sweet bump was growing. I wish it more than anything in this whole world. I wish that today we were at Disney fighting off the ridiculous Christmas crowds so that I could get my bump picture with a character holding my little number banner.

Today as we were cleaning I found my pregnancy test and our "I'm Celebrating Baby #2" buttons from Disney when I told Matt we were pregnant during the fireworks at Epcot. I held them and cried. I want to put them away. But I'm scared to. My 4 year old nephew drew me a picture of our baby. It will be on our refrigerator forever. My parents got me a little ceramic teddy bear angel with a July birthstone and that will forever be on my shelf. Right now it feels like that picture and that little bear are all I have of our baby. Those and the slowly fading picture in my mind of our ultrasound. I wish she would have printed it out for me. I'd hold it. I miss my baby. I am so scared of what is coming next. I am scared of the pill that will make me bleed and bleed until it's gone. I am scared of the pain, enormous amounts of blood, contractions, and nausea that come with it. I am scared of surgery. I'm scared of not waking up and losing Matt and Lilly Belle. I am scared of waking up and having scar tissue and not being able to conceive again. I don't understand why this is happening or why it is happening this awful, awful way. It is dragging on and on. December 2015 will forever be the worst month of my life. And at the same time, the most amazing as Lilly Belle and Matt are closer to me now than ever before.

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant with my angel. Today was hard.

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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Growing Up Lanese

This blog is about to get real. You just laughed in your head; maybe even out loud? With all that has been happening, one thing has stood out among the rest - I need to be a voice. After the post about our Angel Baby, I had so many messages from mamas who said they could not believe how brave I was for writing our story and how strong I was. So many said it made them feel better and remember their sweet angels in Heaven. I really do believe everything happens for a reason. Right now, I believe that the reason this happened to our family, is so that I can start to help other moms who are going through the same thing, or who will in the future go through miscarriage, or even moms who have had a miscarriage in the past, but have felt alone this entire time. Hopefully only until now.

I have been praying that this blog will turn into something bigger. It's always been just how I have documented our life. It started when we got back from our honeymoon, and then has continued and has become something so important to me as I documented so much of Lilly Belle's life here.

My goal (not resolution - I don't do those) for 2016, okay wait, one of my goals for 2016 is to grow this blog so that I can reach more moms. As the owner of FIT4MOM South Orlando, I have had the opportunity to reach so many moms here locally and to create a village of moms here whom have turned into my closest most best friends. I am really hoping that I can take that even further. I want to motivate, inspire, and encourage moms everywhere. I want to reach moms all across the country. Maybe even all across the world. Why not? I'm not one to set my goals low.

I so deeply believe that this baby was given to me so that it could be loved and celebrated so strongly. Our baby was then taken from us too early, but not early enough for us to not have dreamt out it's whole life. And with those extremely strong feelings of love for our sweet angel baby, I am now able to feel so passionately about this whole pregnancy and miscarriage. The pain that I felt and am feeling is so real and raw and awful and in it's own weird way, beautiful. It's beautiful because now I forever get to have an angel watching over us. Our time here on Earth is so temporary. We are here to learn lessons and to face hardships. We are given so many obstacles and it is our job to handle them in a way that will not steer us from getting into Heaven one day.

This miscarriage is only bringing me so much closer to God instead of further away. I want to be closer to Him because I know that right now my baby is right in His arms instead of getting to be in mine.

This blog is going to start touching on everything real. Everything from motherhood and being a wife, to faith, finances, fitness, and tough things like life after miscarriage. I am hoping this can be a place we can grow together.

This is the new "Growing Up Lanese"! I so hope you can laugh here, cry here, and find so much comfort here!