There has been a new discussion in this house...one that I didn't think would happen for years and years. It is looking like our family will be a family of four, instead of having four children. My pregnancy with Lucy has been extremely difficult and it has taken quite a toll on me and on our family. From early hemorrhaging to my severe Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction, it has not been an easy time. I went from being an extremely active and independent person and a mom who always had Lilly Belle out and on the go, to being about 85% housebound and reliable on Matt. I haven't slept in weeks which doesn't help. I have had few moments where I have been able to just enjoy being pregnant. And add on top of all of that our miscarriage that happened right before becoming pregnant with Lucy.
...At this point, we are just counting our blessings and thanking God that we have an incredible little girl and another about to join us. I have had my moments the past few days with lots of tears and grieving for the family I had always dreamt of; the one with 4 little kids running all around. But when I am in a place of calm and am able to really see things clearly, being a family of four doesn't look so bad either... It is actually a lot more realistic for OUR family.
So instead of looking at this in a negative light, I have decided to find the fun and joy that will come to our family from Lucy being our "baby". Matt and I have talked a lot about travel and all the places that will be a lot more manageable for our family to go together with it just being four of us. Top of my list right now is a California vacation that includes San Francisco and Disneyland. I also have my heart set on another Disney Cruise, a trip to Hawaii (because we've never been), and big dreams of a European vacation. I have really fun visions in my head of taking long weekends with my girls up to New York City every year and making it a tradition together before Christmas when we could shop and see tons of Broadway shows together. And of course, many more visits to Seattle and Wisconsin to see our families!
I see our girls getting to be in so many more activities. Lilly Belle is begging to go to dance where she can wear tap shoes and I'd love to get her in some acting and piano lessons as well. Before we know it she will be old enough for soccer, too! When Lucy is born I cannot wait to get her into Kindermusik classes like I did with Lilly Belle and I plan on doing some Mommy & Me Yoga with her too. Our girls will have so many more opportunities with us only having to pay for two of them instead of four.
Dreams of owning a home that we can all fit in comfortably seem a lot more reasonable with visions of a family of four instead of a family of six.
We can help the girls pay for college and with two girls... that's two weddings one day. I'd love to be able to give them the weddings of their dreams. Seems a lot more reasonable with two kids than four.
I have literally never in my life wanted only two kids. I have never, ever been the mom that says, "I want two kids." Never. It has literally never even crossed my mind. I've never even had the thought or idea. I've never pictured it before, dreamt of it before, or hoped for it before. But, as pregnancy taught me with Lilly Belle and is now really teaching me with Lucy...I am not always the one in control. Some things I really have to leave to God. And he is practically screaming at me that my body cannot do this again...
For some reason, the only time I feel like crying about it is thinking of family pictures. When I see our family pictures in my mind, I see four little beautiful children with their arms around our legs, and now that vision is changed to two and it's just a lot to take in.
Matt loves the idea of two. He always has. So for him, this isn't so difficult. The only difficult part for him is seeing me so heartbroken knowing this is it. And what's hard for me is seeing him so okay with it. We started our family pretty early even though we weren't in the best of situations financially. But we did that because we planned on having a big family and didn't want them all so close together. So now here I am at 28 years old, still so young, and my body is making the decision for me that I will be done having children. That's a lot to take in.
Things could still definitely change in a few years. I know enough to not make crazy decisions at 30 weeks pregnant. It's not like we're going to go to the doctor after she's born to make this a permanent decision, but... as of now, it is looking like this is it for us. And, there is a lot of beauty in it. It just would have been a lot easier if the decision wasn't being made for me and feeling so out of control.
Tonight Matt had tears in his eyes as he sat with me as I cried and cried on our couch about all of this. But he just said, "I just want my wife back," because I have not been myself for almost a year now. I've been in a dark place. Our miscarriage was in December 2015 and since then I have not been the same. Not by choice, but just by circumstance. I am in constant pain and am forever exhausted because I cannot sleep. It is 2:55am right now and I've been up wide awake since 1:15am. I went to bed at 11pm. I don't feel an ounce of tired right now, but in just 4 hours, it will be time to start the day. I'm just not handling it all so well. I miss Matt too. I miss Lilly Belle. I am not able to pick her up and can barely get down to hug her and hold her. The two of them are my world. And not too long from now, Lucy will join our team. That's what Lilly Belle calls us; a team.
I could write all night, but I'll end on this. I found this quote on Pinterest:
"The only thing making you unhappy are your own thoughts. Change them."
Life will be beautiful with our two precious little girls. Lilly Belle already tells us practically everyday that Lucy is her best friend. I really hope so. These two little girls are a gift to one another. And they are for sure our biggest blessings!
Now to rest and soak up Lucy moving all around right now and to try to fall asleep again...