Sunday, February 23, 2014

On My Heart & Mind

Lots of thoughts on my mind today. This week is going to be a big one for our family; one for the books. It will be the first week that both Matt & I are working parents. It will be the first week that Lilly spends time with anyone other than us. We are so thankful that on Mondays and Wednesdays that will be her Papa L. and that on Tuesdays that will be my dear friend, Jodee. Lilly Belle is lucky to get to spend time with both of them. I'm just a little nervous because of her separation anxiety...and mine. 

Being Lilly's mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I tell her that every single day. Matt and I love her so much; more than I could ever try to explain in writing. I soak up every second of being her mommy. I soak up every nursing session, every bath time and even every little hair pull. I try to soak in her sweet baby smell and the way she puts her sweet little hands on my face to pull it closer to hers so she can give me a "kiss". All the small little details are my favorites. Like how when looking at her jackets hanging in her closet, I notice that all the sleeves of the left arms are rolled up so she can suck her fingers. All of it, everyday, it is just the best life. 

Since she has been born, the favorite part of my day has always been her bedtime routine. And recently I have grown to love it even more as she is just growing more and able to participate more. Each night at 6pm I nurse her and then feed her solids mixed with rice cereal. Then we do bath time which is a huge hit around here, especially now that she loves to splash and play with her toys. So much so that she cries when we take her out of the bath (adorable). After bath, we get her jammies on, give her her medicine and then I nurse her again while I sing to her. Depending on her level of tiredness, we try to get a story or two in there as well. It's just at the best time; full of laughs, music, snuggles & smiles. 

Since we have started to try to get her on a schedule these past 11 days while I've been off, her 6pm time of starting bedtime is set. Any later than that and she's out. Sometimes, we even have to start it a bit earlier if she's off on her naps. 

Well...for the next 4 Tuesdays, I won't get to be with her for bedtime. I will drop her off by Jodee at 2:30pm and I won't get home until 7/7:10pm...she will for sure be asleep already. She will have to have formula. Matt will do all of her bedtime routine. I won't get to nurse her or snuggle with her. I'm afraid that she won't understand why I dropped her off and then didn't see her again. It is breaking my  heart. It is times like these where I hate working. It makes me so angry, stuck & frustrated. I don't want to miss any time with her. I don't want to miss any laughs or snuggles. 

Then again on Thursday...I will miss out on all of it again; for the next 2 Thursdays. Thankfully, we live with Matt's parents currently, so Nana will do bedtime/bath time on those nights while Matt goes to school. He will have to go straight to school from work on Thursdays. He won't get to see Lilly at all on Thursdays :( that breaks my heart, too. 

For the next two weeks, I'll miss bedtime/bath-time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 

Then for two more weeks, I'll miss Tuesdays.

It's not fair. 

Here is what I am thankful for:
*Lilly Belle is healthy and thriving
*Matt has a job and will be working
*Matt is doing well in school
*After just 2 more weeks, I will just teach M-W
*Lilly will always be taken care of by people who love her very much, even if that's not me or Matt
*In between my 5 classes I teach on Tuesday, Lilly & I have her music class together
*I am thankful - so very thankful - that I don't have to leave her M-F from 9-5. I know I couldn't do that and feel for those mamas that have to and feel sad about it. Breaks my heart. 
*I am thankful that we were blessed to have a baby and to have the gift of being parents.

I know this is just another bump in the road. A bump on the way to where we want to be. One step closer to me being a stay-at-home (more) mom. One step closer to this quarter being over and then I have 3 weeks off. One step closer to June 13th after which I'm off until October! Off...100%. It will be the best summer of my life. One where I get to spend so much time with Matt & Lilly and focus all my time and energy on family. 

Matt has been reminding me how much Lilly Belle is going to grow from this. It's going to be so good for her to be with other people. She is so incredibly attached to us right now. 

I'm attached to her though, too. I know how precious of a gift it is that I have a child. I know quite a few families who thought they would have a house full of children and unfortunately were only able to have one. For this reason, I soak it all up. She is changing before our eyes. She is doing new things every single day. It's amazing to watch her grow, but we are reminded daily how fast time is going. Matt pointed out to me that in just about a week, Lilly Belle will already be 7 months old...7! 

I know I can do this and I know Lilly will be okay. 
One day at a time... 

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