Sunday, March 2, 2014

A Mother's Love

Lilly Belle is not a great sleeper. Some nights, she wakes up every hour. Most nights I'm lucky to get a 3 hour stretch in between feedings. Am I tired? Yes. Are there moments at 7am when she's up for the day and I feel like I may die? Yes. 

But...I would not trade it for the world. I love that she needs me. I love that she just wants to be with me, her mommy. She gave me the best job in the world. I get to be her mommy. I get to kiss her, hold her and make her laugh all the time. I love being up with her through the night. Now that she is older and I trust her and her breathing more, I usually just get comfortable in the glider - put my feet up on the bed - get Lilly Belle cozy and latched and then I fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up an hour later and she's still latched but sound asleep. Sometimes I stay up during her feedings and just stare at her and try to take it all in. I try to remember everything about it. 

I'm so bad at remembering little things. My memory tends to take things in as an overview instead of capturing the details. I hate that because the details are all my favorite parts. 

I want to remember how when I nurse her, she loves to hold my hand and move it up and down, up and down, up and down. Like she's shaking hands with me but with such rhythm. Sometimes she will hold onto my breast and squeeze (sometimes too hard) but almost like she is trying to make the milk come out faster. And sometimes...she pulls off while still latched on -- okay, more like yanks off. In those moments, I'm in pain but I just cannot be mad at her. I go and chug water knowing she may have been frustrated; maybe she wasn't getting enough and got mad. I know I would. I want to remember how sometimes when I fall asleep, I open my eyes to find she's still staring at me with her beautiful blue eyes. Her eyes are so intense. She really takes everything in. When she looks at me, I know she loves me so much. She knows I'm her mommy. I love when she wakes up crying and then I reach in her crib to pick her up and she reaches her arms to me and wiggles in excitement with the  most amazing smiles and then grabs my face and "kisses" me. Those are my favorite moments. I want to capture them. Every second. 

I would never want to be anything else. I was meant for this. If I could snap my fingers and make everything all better, I would stop working and just spend all my time with her. Nothing is better than watching her grow and learn. And with how fast she is changing and growing...even my working just part-time hours soon are crushing me. I will never get this time back. It is killing me to leave her.

So in the moments at 1am...2am...3am........I just soak it all in. I know she is only little like this for a very short amount of time. She's almost 7 months old. I want time to stop and slow down for just a bit. I need to soak this in some more. I'm not used to her being 6 months old yet. I feel like just yesterday we brought her home.

Last night we stayed at the beach house and she slept in the pack n play next to me. I almost cried telling Matt how much I missed having her sleep next to me. I even asked if when we got back if we could move the glider to where the crib is so that the crib could go next to me. Matt said no - she needs this...she needs to grow. 

I know. 

So, I will let her. I will soak in every moment of her being little and soak in every sleepless night knowing it won't last forever. She has to grow. I want her to grow. 

Lilly Belle, 
I know you'll be reading this one day. Know that I love you so incredibly much. You are my whole world and then some. I pray we always have a strong bond and that you always know you can come to me and I'll be there. When you're 25 one day, like I am as I write this to you, know I'm just a phone call away...even at 3am I'll be there for now. I love you! 


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