Tuesday, December 22, 2015

One Foot In Front of the Other.

This blog is becoming more and more precious to me every second of every day. Over the course of the past few weeks in finding that our baby is now in God's arms, I have never felt more connected to more moms; to more friends, in my entirely (short but oh so long) two years of motherhood.

We took a giant leap of faith in May 2015 to move our family 3,000 miles across the country from Seattle, WA to Orlando, FL. We moved just about as far away from family and everything that we knew as we possibly could. Well, we could have moved a bit further I suppose - my Mother-in-Law jokes that we may as well have moved to Miami. We came here for two main reasons: to be closer to Disney, and for me to open my FIT4MOM franchise. We didn't know at the time the tremendous impact this would have on our lives. We came here with high hopes for new careers, new friends, and a fresh start, but we did not know that we would get that all plus so much more.

Today has been hard. Yesterday was hard. I miss my baby. Period. I miss my baby a lot. I have been crying every time the though of missing my baby enters my mind. Because even though my sweet baby's body is still with me nestled inside my womb, I know my baby is gone. My baby is not coming back. My sweet baby's heart will never beat again. My baby is with God now, in Heaven. Most of the time, that thought is all that gets me through; it's so comforting. And then there are times, like today, when I just feel angry and sad. I want my baby to growing. I want Lilly Belle and this little bean to be 3 years apart, almost to the date, as they were going to be. It was our plan. Everything happened like we planned. That never happens to us. And now, as I still haven't lost this baby, we have to wait. And wait. And wait. If this all ends in me having surgery, we will have to wait even longer. At this point, if we got pregnant as soon as we're possibly allowed, Lilly Belle and our 2nd baby here on Earth will be 3 1/2 years apart. Their connection is getting further apart. Their interests are getting further apart. Lilly Belle wants a sibling more than anything. She vocalizes that and shows that in her actions everyday.

Today I felt like I didn't want to get out of bed. In fact, I didn't until almost 8:30am. I am usually up for Body Back by 5 or 5:30am everyday. I cancelled this mornings class last night because I had cramping and thought it might be happening - but nothing. Once Matt left for work today, I felt so alone and everything I had to do felt like I had to do it with 1,000 pounds of bricks on me. I finally got showered and almost out the door when I realized I forgot to brush my teeth. I almost cried at the thought of putting my purse down, opening the door to our room where I had already put Cogsy away, to go and just brush my teeth. I keep telling everyone that it's getting hard to life.

We got out the door today and made our way to Epcot, because Lilly Belle cried to go there saying to me, "I need to go on rides. I need to meet characters, mommy!" I really am trying so hard to make life normal for her. She's 2. She shouldn't have to understand what is going on. Her life shouldn't have to come crashing to a halt just because I can't "life" right now. It's hard. When we arrived at Epcot, I realized I was a crazy lady. It's December 22nd. The parks are insanely crowded. We walked in and walked out. Lilly Belle was really understanding and agreed that a picnic would do the trick.

We came home and had a picnic on the patio. She was pleased. I just couldn't stop having the feeling that I couldn't get a deep breath. Every time I would try, it felt like I had a ton of bricks on my chest holding me down. I could only take quick little breaths. I started feeling panicky. I talked to Matt for a bit and that made me feel a little better. I felt okay enough to get Lilly Belle down for her nap and read her a story.

I was sitting on the couch trying to catch up on work a little bit and the door knocked and I heard a package get left on the mat. I quickly went over, opened the door and saw a box with all 3 of our names on it. I had no idea who it was from. I opened it curiously and then cried when I saw it was chocolate covered strawberries and brownie pop snowman from my friend, Nalani and her husband Derek, who are my sweet friend here. Just knowing they were thinking of us and sent that to us to make us smile made my heart fill. I cried and then realized I was breathing again. I needed to cry. Not 5 minutes later, but another friend text me that she was on her way to pick up the humidifier she borrowed us. She also brought me over some gifts and a bottle of wine. I cried more. God sent us here on purpose. He knew I would need these women surrounding me right now. He knew I would need to be in a place with women who are texting me, bringing us dinner, taking over all my classes, messaging me, and giving me hugs when I need them. My Village is God's gift to us right now. He gave us a wonderful baby, but had to take it back to Heaven with him. Now here, I have my friends. Real friends. Friends who I know from the bottom of my heart will be there for me always.

These days will get easier. Life will get easier. Life will get better. This isn't the end of our story. We have so much more room in our hearts to love more children. We already talked and if it's God's will for us to not have anymore biological children, we will 100% adopt.

I hope that our story is comforting for other moms. You are not alone. You are never alone. Miscarriage can feel so solo. It feels like you're going through everything by yourself. But you're not. We have had too many friends come to us with their stories of loss. I hope that I can be a voice for moms to know that it's okay to be open about your baby's. They are so real, so precious. No matter how small or how early you are.

One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.


  1. I am pretty much a silent reader but have been following your blog for awhile! Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. I went through a miscarriage as well last year. I went in for my 12 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I was devastated and shocked because there was no signs of any problems. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Once I got that under control, I was able to get pregnant shortly after and now have a wonderful almost 8 week old little boy here on earth. I know it sounds cliche but things will get better over time. I still think of my little one in heaven and wonder what he or she would have been like. Its not fair and theres no real answer for why these things happen. We had some other issues too along the way so this one and my last are actually over 6 years apart and I often worried about the timing too but theres so many sweet parts of them being further apart in age as well ;) Even if it is not the way you originally imagined, you will be blessed with the growing family you have been dreaming of!

    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Angie. I'm so sorry to hear you have an angel too. It is nice to hear of others whose children have bigger age gaps :) Thank you!