Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

We were in complete shock when we found out we were expecting this sweet miracle baby. I still look down at my growing belly and am usually still in disbelief.

It has been 139 days since our first appointment with our last pregnancy finding out that our baby had a "possible heartbeat". (December 9, 2015)

It has been 130 days since our next appointment where I ended up having two ultrasounds, one lasting an hour long, sitting in a room hearing the words "there is no heartbeat"... (December 18, 2015)

It has been 110 days since I lay in the hospital bed being prepped for my D&C surgery crying and begging my husband to take me home; begging him to not let them take my baby away from me. (January 7, 2016)

And still, I miss our William every single day. We named him William. We felt like it was a boy. It helps me with the healing to give him a name. We would have called him Liam. I cry whenever I think about our angel in Heaven. Even though, I have a beautiful miracle baby inside me now with the most amazing heartbeat I've ever heard. Hearing Lilly Belle's heartbeat for the first time was incredible and something I will never forget. But hearing this baby's heartbeat was an answered prayer. A miracle. Something we had been longing for for so long.

Just 2 months later. Just 2 months exactly after my D&C, on March 7th, 2016, I took a pregnancy test. I had only had one period. It was only 60 days after that awful day. 60 days after one of the worst days of my life. My dad called me. I was on my way to Stroller Strides. My dad doesn't usually call me, so when he does I always think something is wrong. This time I was right. He was calling to tell me that my 15 year old sister is pregnant. I was so angry. I had just went through hell losing our baby. A baby I wanted and loved and tried for. A baby I prayed for every day with my husband. A baby who had a big sister so excited to meet him. A baby with two parents, a home, a family. I was so angry that she could get pregnant and have a healthy baby and that even though we already have a family and are in a place to have a child, couldn't. I was angry that I went through all I did. That I kept that lifeless baby inside my body for a month because I couldn't bare to lose him. A month where I felt more and more dead every single day. A month where I felt like I was dying inside and had to push through each day. I was so sad. I got so mad and said to myself, 'I'm going to take a test as soon as I get home!' I knew we had only been intimate one time because we weren't suppose to try, so the chances of seeing a positive pregnancy test were basically zero, but I wanted to be pregnant with everything I am. I wanted to see a positive test. I ran into the bathroom when I got home and took it so quickly. I almost walked away but then...I saw a 2nd line.

And... everything changed. It was positive. I was pregnant again. Already. Something we never dreamed would happen in a million years. Things like that don't happen to us or for us. Nothing ever goes the way we plan or better than we plan, that's just the way things work for us. Not this time.

This time there was light. So much light.

I called to tell my parents. I said "I think I'm pregnant too!" They were beyond thrilled. I still wasn't 100% sure because it was such a faint line, but I took another and it was darker. Matt knew just through the way I was texting him and he called me. I wanted to tell him when he got home from work but he knows me way too well. He was freaking out just as much as I was. We couldn't believe it!

We are having a baby. Our angel in Heaven is looking down on his little brother or sister and watching over his big sister every single day. I can feel him with me. I cannot wait until we can meet one day in Heaven. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him.

This pregnancy has not been an easy one, and I'm only a bit over 10 weeks along.

In my 5th week of pregnancy I blew out my back. To the point where I could not move. I was stuck between bed and the chiropractors office for a good week. I couldn't take any medicines or do anything that needed to be done because I was pregnant.

God needed me to rest.

On the morning of Saturday, April 16th (9 weeks) Lilly Belle came running in to say good morning. She is now fully potty trained and does not wear diapers to bed, so the first thing we always do is go potty. She goes, and then I always have to go so bad too that I go right away. So, I took her potty and without flushing in between, I peed too. Lilly Belle has been working hard on her colors lately, and looked down after I had wiped and proudly announced, "Look! I made red!!" I looked down in the toilet to see blood and a clot in the toilet. I thought I had once again lost our baby. I called Matt in (as he was still sleeping) and he came running in. I wiped again and there was again blood (like a period) on the toilet paper. Matt got Lilly Belle out of the bathroom as I closed the door to cry. I told him to please get her ready, we needed to go to the ER immediately. We threw on some clothes and got out the door by 7:15am.

When we arrived there was someone ahead of me, so I just stood there in the ER waiting room sobbing while the woman took care of the lady ahead of me. When it was my turn, she sat me down and asked me what was wrong. I explained that I was losing my baby and was 9 weeks. My best friend, Lindsay, rushed over and picked Lilly Belle up from the hospital around 7:45am and took her for the day.

Matt and I waited in that waiting room for at least 45 minutes to an hour before anyone called us back. We got back and they told me I would be getting an IV and a pelvic exam. They hooked me up to the IV and then the doctor came in for the exam. She found that there was no new blood and told me that was a good sign, but she still did not know until we did an ultrasound, if the baby was okay or not.

The nurse then wheeled me over to the ultrasound area to wait as someone was already getting an ultrasound. We sat there outside the room listening as a woman inside was finding out that she was having a boy. I was numb. I couldn't move or talk. It was like de ja vu. It all came flooding back. I was certain there would be no heartbeat. I felt like it was going to be just like our angel baby. I thought we were done and that I was going to be going through this all again. I kept telling Matt that I couldn't do it again. He kept reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

After about 3 hours of being at the hospital, it was finally my turn for my ultrasound. I told her that I know there is no heartbeat. My exact words were, "I know my baby is dead." She then smiled and said, "well... you're wrong."

She wasn't supposed to show me anything but she felt terrible for what I was going through and explained that the baby was 100% perfect, but it was me that had something wrong; I was the one bleeding. Hemorrhaging actually. I was scared, but so thankful that my baby was okay!

We then had to stay there for about another 2 hours until my IV was done and for the doctor to come talk to us. We were sent home with me being told I was on bed rest until the two hematomas were gone.

God needed me to rest.

On Monday I had my appointment and again was told, "light activity". I had to get subs all weekend and couldn't do anything.

On Wednesday, my mom and I decided to go to Ikea. I said I would rest a lot and just walk through really slowly. I needed to get out. About midway through I started to have the worst stomach ache... which quickly turned into cramps. Which quickly turned into cramps bringing me to the ground. Which quickly turned into what felt like contractions. We left as soon as we could and went straight to the doctor. They got me in but with a doctor that I did not feel 100% comfortable with. During the appointment, he used a little tummy ultrasound monitor and didn't find a heartbeat... and then just thought it would be fine to send me home. I was in hysterics again. I sat out into he hallway not sure of what to do and once again thinking my baby was gone.

I ran back in bawling and they quickly took care of me. They let me get another ultrasound (a real ultrasound) and let me talk to the head doctor whom I have been seeing for my appointments and feel 100% comfortable with. I was not only then reassured that our baby is totally fine, but also that my bleeding has dissolved and is 100% gone.

God needed me to rest.

All a relief. But my worrying never stops. It's awful. I am so excited for this sweet baby, but spend so much time wondering if I'm going to lose this one too. I am still grieving our angel baby and it feels so strange sometimes when I'm crying about our baby we lost even though there is another baby with me. I want them both. I don't want any of my babies to be gone. I miss him. And I love this sweet baby inside me so incredibly much.

Lilly Belle insists that this baby is a "baby brudder because baby sister is in Heaven." She thinks the last baby was a baby sister so usually only calls this baby a boy. She never forgets about our baby in Heaven and we never will either. She has been talking about Jesus a lot lately. She tells everyone that Jesus is in their heart. She even asked Mickey Mouse this past weekend while at Magic Kingdom with my mom if Jesus was in his heart.

It has been 139 days since we lost our angel baby and I have now been pregnant with our miracle baby for 73 days. Life is an amazing thing. I thank God every day for all 3 of our babies. I feel so lucky to be their mommy. I am so lucky that they picked me. This pregnancy is going to be scary until the day I hold this sweet baby in my arms. I try so hard not to stress and to be calm. I try to stay busy on days when that's what I need. There are so many emotions. It's a lot.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful to God. We feel so blessed to have this sweet baby growing inside me, and know that one day, we will get to be with ALL of our babies in Heaven.

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  1. Well written! Hugs to you! :)

  2. I've got a fetal doppler I would totally ship you. That way you can hear babies heartbeat anytime you want. You could just mail it back when you have the baby :)

    1. Ah Randi I would love that, except Matt says he doesn't want me having one because I'll obsess over it lol ;)

  3. Well you just let me know I have it here if you need it

  4. Well you just let me know I have it here if you need it