Sunday, September 15, 2013

On Being a Mommy (6 weeks old)

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time now but never know how to start it. I never know exactly I want to explain what I'm feeling right now, but it is so important to me that I remember this. I want to remember every second of every day right now. I am taking it all in, the good and the bad. The bad isn't even so bad. Lilly Belle is 6 weeks old today. I really needed to write.

Being a mommy is everything I've ever dreamed of and so so much more. 

Being Lilly Belle's mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me; to us. I've said this before, but I want time to rewind, stand still and move forward all at the same time. I have wanted to be a mommy all my life. I dreamt about what it would be like for so long and now that it's really here and I have a sweet precious baby girl, it is all I want to do. Life is suddenly so different. The way I look at life is suddenly so different. The way I love Matt is suddenly so different. Just everything, different and better. 

One thing that I was expecting and not expecting all at the same time is how much it is hurting me to go back to work. Every time I have to leave our sweet Lillian, I am just crushed to pieces. I know how fast it goes, this precious time of her being this small sweet girl that depends on me so much and loves me so much. There will come a day when I don't get all these amazing cuddles. There will come a day when I can't squeeze her and give her kisses whenever I want. So for now, I soak up every-single-second. Never in my life have I been so in the moment. I know why. It's because my whole life has been leading up to this. I am finally exactly who I want to be and have everything I've ever wanted...and not any part of that is material. 

When Lilly Belle was just 2 days old, I thought I was going to lose her. She choked on her spit up and I just so happened to be peaking into her basket at that very moment. It was in the middle of the night. Her eyes were rolled back into hear head, she was stiff as a board and she was not breathing. It lasted too long. I lost it. From that moment on, I check on her constantly. I stay awake many nights even as she sleeps, just to watch her and know she is okay. The though of her going to her crib in a few months is just too much. I would be perfectly happy with her just moving right on into our room. I knew I loved her more than anything in the world the second I laid eyes on her and had her on my chest. that moment, in those terrifying minutes where I thought I may lose her, I knew exactly how much I loved her; how strong that love was for her. Writing about it now has me tearing up and feeling extremely nervous (as I am not currently holding her, her Nana is). Because of that moment, I like to be the one to be with her always. I like to know that she is okay. I trust Matt, of course, but he didn't see that. He will never know the feeling I felt in those moments. I am incredibly protective of her. When she cries, I like to be the one to soothe her. It makes me anxious when she's crying and I'm not the one soothing her. All I think about always is what would have happened had I not had the instinct to check on her at that very moment...

Now, when she nurses, she has a hard time sometimes and has moments that bring me back to that night. She has a hard time when my milk comes out too fast and she spits up a lot. Lately, it has been coming out of her nose as well and when this happens, she can't breathe and chokes on it. Now, her eyes no longer roll back...she just looks straight into my eyes with her eyes as wide as can be begging me to make it stop...begging me to help her. All I can do is assure her she is going to be okay and hold her close to me. Knowing that this may happen while I'm away and not home is terrifying to me. I would never ever be able to forgive myself if something were to happen. Today she did it when she woke from her nap. She hadn't eaten for two hours so it came out of nowhere. She had good burps and everything. All I can think about is what would happen if she were in her crib or away from us and there was no one there to help her...she would drown and choke on it. I'm terrified. 

I'm going to be honest. I'm hating work. I'm hating my job. I'm having THE hardest time wanting to go teach. Once I get there I'm alright. Not good, but alright because I'm distracted enough. It hurts so much to not be able to be the one to stay home with her. I know now that I am meant to be a stay-at-home mom, but feel so stuck not being able to. I try so hard to look at it in a different light. I remind myself many many times a day why I did/do my job to begin with; for the kids. I resent it now. I hope that it fades and that as time goes by that I will appreciate my time away, but for the time being I am just very very thankful that I own my business and that she can come to work with me. I almost killed Matt the other night as he was at the studio with me and allowed another mom to feed her...from a bottle...with my breast milk. The milk that should have been coming directly from me to her, bonding with her, holding her but instead she was getting it from a stranger. I stood there in the studio trying to hold my tongue and my tears. The tears I held back, my tongue not as much (I suck) and sat down and fed her. He knows now that I'm not comfortable with that and will stand his ground next time instead of caving. It just hurt so much. To be caring for other people's children when my own child was right there with me and I wasn't the one caring for her because I was caring for them and another mom whose child was there was caring for mine. It felt all wrong and backwards. I hated it. 

Unfortunately, with our situation, this is the way it has to be. And...I have to learn to love it again. The reason our program is successful is because of my love for it...lose that and we lose everything. So, in order to take care of and provide for my daughter and family, I have to be the one to not be caring for my daughter. Right now it's just hard to grasp that and be okay with that. 

My days right now are such a blur. A blur of complete happiness and content. My "maternity leave" (that unfortunately was never really a maternity leave) is almost over now and every time I think about that lately, I cry. Lilly eats about every 2-3 hours and each time I feed her is time that is just us. I sing to her, I talk to her and sometimes we are just quiet and I think and take it all in; her smell, her sweet gulping sounds, how small she is and I try to make it all a memory. I am terrible at seeing details. In life, in general, I'm not observant. This leads to my memory not being so great. I remember things as a big picture. That's what scares me. I want to remember everything right now. I want to remember how her sweet little fingers are so chubby towards her hand and skinnier at the ends. I want to remember how round her sweet little ears her hair stands straight up starting from the back of her her eyes are blue like the night, not bright, just deep. I want to remember how when I am feeding her she sometimes will put her sweet little hands on my breast like she is holding on. I want to remember the sound of her hungry cry, knowing that is how she is calling me. Sometimes she cries like that not because she's hungry, but just because she wants me to hold her instead. I love that. She doesn't like her feet being touched but does like her arm being rubbed just like me. I love her sweet grunting noises that to anyone other than those of us close to her may not sound so sweet. 

There are so many moments in each day that I cherish and hold onto as tightly as I can. I know my baby girl won't always be a baby girl, but she will always be my baby girl. My dad once wrote me a song. I'd love for him to send me those lyrics now so I can sing it to her. It all makes so much sense to me now. I have such a new love and appreciation for my own mom, too. I get it. 

Lillian really is the best thing that has ever happened to us. We look at her all the time just in awe over the fact that she is ours and together we made her. 

I could go on and on about this. But, for now...I think that sums it all up. Finally, I got it all out. I am in love with my sweet girl and in love with being a mommy. I am whole and feel so complete. 

My hope always is that she always knows how much I love her and that I do, would and will always do anything and everything for her...She is my whole world. Her and her daddy. I will always take care of them and will always make sure we have what we need. Maybe not always what we want, but definitely what we need. We have each other and right now, that is everything. A huge part of me wants to downsize and just live in a smaller, not as nice apartment, just so I can work less and be with her more. It's so much more important to me. 

These lyrics from my dad's song keep playing in my mind right now and I can hear him singing it to me: "She's my little girl, my precious little girl. With her big bright eyes..and her beautiful smile. As I watch her grow, I see her face just changing oh my little baby girl...."