Mommy Confessions

I have written this post probably 3 times now and end up deleting it each time as I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say without it coming out horribly wrong. I'm trying again, let's see if this one gets posted by the time I'm done writing.

I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember. I have wanted to be pregnant for as long as I can remember. I have had tons of visions in my head of how I would feel, act, eat, etc. So far, most of them have not come true. One feeling stands strong and that is that I am so excited to be this little bean's mommy. However, being pregnant has been interesting for me. Truly a lesson in so many ways. I love a good life lesson and since moving here to Washington now 4 years ago, I have learned many and learned how to deal with the change along the way. I find new things out about myself everyday and am constantly trying to improve myself. 

So...what I have recently learned about myself is that I like to be fit. I like being skinny. Ok wait, I "liked" being skinny. And not for the reason that I liked how my body looked, but for the way life feels. Dancing has been hard. I have gained 14 lbs in 15 weeks. Most women have only gained around 5 lbs at this point. Yes, I know, I was too skinny to start so my body needed this. I am totally fine with this little baby making me fat. What's been hard about that is what comes with it and with my job. Little things like sitting in a butterfly and putting my nose to my toes don't work so well anymore. I expected this, just not so soon. With being a dancer, comes the fact that I've never (except for a few months of my life when Matt and I started dating and ate ice cream like everyday) weighed 130 lbs. Now, I am 134 lbs (some days 136). I can already see it in my face and my hips. Holy hips. And boobs, which is fun, but not when none of my bras fit and even the ones that do, hurt. 

So, the getting big part of pregnancy, other than my awesome little belly...I just wasn't expecting.

That may sound completely stupid, but I just always had this happy little picture of my head of being a stick with a basketball as a tummy. That's not happening. And slowly, very slowly...I am learning to be okay with that and to just let my body do what it needs to do so that our little one is healthy. 

On the complete opposite end of this, lets talk about healthy eating.

So before we got pregnant I ate SO healthy...the first 8 weeks, I ate SO healthy. And then, once I saw our little bean kicking away around 11 weeks, things went down hill. Seeing our baby moving all around so healthy and well just made me chill out a lot. Maybe a bit too much. I have been off work all week and realized today that for 4 straight days I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin. I felt horrible but, at the same time, know that our baby is okay. I've also been a slacker in the water department. Serious mommy fails I know. BUT, I realize it's bad and am fixing it again. 

I never in a million years thought I would break food rules while pregnant. In the beginning I was a super spaz about it. No soft cheeses, sushi, deli meat! But then....I just got tired of being so so cautious all the time to where I felt so limited. I have had sushi twice (limited to California Rolls, but still). I ate an entire meal last night with one of the three main ingredients being blue cheese (I picked the recipe...Matt wasn't thrilled that I was eating it). I have had two sandwiches from Arby's this pregnancy, one being a huge roast beef sandwich and the other being a hot ham & cheese. Obviously, I think about it enough that I remember I did it and feel somewhat guilty, but at the same time...it made me happy in the moment and that is so important right now.

Which brings me to my third confession. Everyone saw this one coming (except for me of course), but I am one moody lady. Everyday around 2-3pm I am not nice or fun to be around (Matt realized recently that I need to eat at this time and then I'm much easier to be around). Anytime I'm tired or hungry, I'm the worst! Evil Chelsea comes out and Matt just puts me to bed as soon as he can, which is a task in itself as the whole time I am saying "Seriously I'm fine! Stop telling me to go to bed!" Because I know these things are true, we made sure to buy lots of snacks this week at the grocery store and also that I am always in bed around 10. Matt has been my superhero this whole time. He reads me so well and always always knows what I need/want well before I do. I usual fight whatever it is that he's trying to get me to do, but once I do it...the world becomes a brighter place...or at least our apartment does :)

I have a really hard time with my body changing. Just in general, in life. I don't like to be drunk. It freaks me out when I'm out of control and I usual end up crying in fear. I've never smoked anything in my life in fear of how it would make me feel out of control. So...this whole, baby taking over my body thing....kind of harder than I thought it would be for me. I thought it would be different because it's our baby and I love them so much. But still, at the end of the day, it's my body, and it's different. And so quickly. Matt and I both agree that this is going to be so much easier for me the 2nd time around because I will know what my body will do. At least to a certain extent (I realize every pregnancy is different). 

So I also eat 4 meals on most days (yes, 4 full meals) and then also snacks. Today that meant cereal for breakfast followed by like 4 "cuties", then lunch followed by a snack of cottage cheese...then a personal pan pizza at Target Pizza Hut...and then a few more oranges....then dinner....and a few more oranges. Seriously...this is a normal day now. I may or may not have been eating my Valentines chocolate all day too.......Eep. No wonder I've gained 14 lbs. I know that you're not supposed to actually eat for two when you're pregnant but I'm always so SO hungry. And if I don't eat, it's not good. Not quite sure what to do about that one.

Anyways...those are my confessions. 

I love being pregnant because I love having our little bean so close and just knowing that they are alive and real! I love watching my belly grow (even if it's not fun watching my love handles grow). I love when Matt talks about the baby and when he kisses my belly. It's seriously the best thing ever! Just a lot to get used to. And I know...this is only the beginning of change! This baby has already changed my life forever. But, I'm so so so excited to be their mommy. I'm even more excited for Matt and I to be parents together!!!