Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Feeling Strong & Excited!

Matt, Lillian and I just had our 34 week appointment and I could not be happier or more confident than I feel right now. We met with the new midwife in our group (now there are 3) and I loved her so much. Just as much as I love our original midwife, Lori. So now, there is Lori or Laura that I feel equally as awesome and comfortable with.

I just got the biggest boost of confidence from Laura and I seriously feel ready to conquer the world. Or at least...labor. I feel so much more at ease. I feel like no matter what, I have an amazing support team who is going to do whatever they can to make sure this experience is something I walk away feeling good about, not something awful and scary.

Right now, in this moment, I have no fear. I feel ready and confident.
My biggest question today (after attending our first birthing class last night) was wondering if there is a point of no return for getting an epidural. I know in my heart that I can do it without getting one. Matt has told me, and told me again today, that he knows I could do it without getting one...but, there is always that chance of a 30 hour labor where I'm exhausted mentally and physically and an epidural would do the trick to getting me through. I know I'm a very strong woman. I have a super strong will. I in no way am aiming that I have to do this naturally. That is actually not the case at all. I just want to know that my option is available for both. I do not like things changing my body (as I've learned even more from pregnancy), so the thought of an epidural has always freaked me out (especially being a dancer). I remember being little asking my mom about it because it freaked me out that I may not be able to feel my legs. Most likely not.

For a while through this pregnancy, I was all "I'm going to get an epidural no matter what." It was always because I had a fear and now know my fear was myth, that there is a point of no return. Well, actually, what I learned today from Laura is that there is in fact a point of no return for an epidural and that is if Lilly's head is already coming out. But c'mon, at that point...I'm going to be so pumped to push her out and meet her that I wouldn't need one. That I am so sure of. The part I'm worried about is not the pushing, it's transition. I just want to make it through transition without turing into a crazy woman. I want her to come into this world without all of my crazy stress on her. If I start to feel like I'm going to flip a shit, that's when I'll get the epidural.

Matt and Laura were both so encouraging today. I was actually surprised and so uplifted hearing Matt tell Laura today in the doctors office, "I know she could do it. She's so strong!" I didn't know he felt that way. I just assume that he assumes I'm a spaz. I was wrong. He thinks I'm strong. That alone makes me feel 10x's stronger. He's going to be the best partner through this. We have already decided on our plan while we are in labor (I say we because it's just as hard for him as it is for me. He has to see me in all that pain and can't do a thing about it). Our plan is that Lori or Laura is there to guide me and help me cope. They will help me into the tub, on the birthing ball, in the shower on my hands and knees...whatever I feel like I need to be doing at any given time, they will know how to help my pain. Not make it go away, but to help it. Matt does not have that knowledge, but he does love me and he does love Lillian so we have decided his role is support. He is going to tell me he loves me and as our birthing coach taught us last night "whisper sweet nothings" to me, while I'm in pain. Hearing him sincerely tell me he loves me will get me through anything.

We are going to have a code word that he and our midwife know that means "I'm serious, I need the epidural." Our midwife says that is a good idea because there may be times where I just scream, "Give me and epidural" as a mental way of making it feel better to myself...reminding myself the options there. But I may not actually want that or need that. If I say the word though, then they'll know and I will get one.

I can get an epidural all the way up until I am pushing her out. So really, I could make it all the way to 9/10 cm and then get one. At that point I hope I'd be able to just do it, but you just never know.

I just feel so confident right now and so ready for her to be here.
I've never felt more ready for anything in all my life.
I am so ready for us to be a family of 3 (4 with Cogs Wogs) and to just love her so much. We talk about kissing her little hands and toes all the time. Matt can't wait to just hold her and make her smile. It's going to be the best. thing. ever.

I feel like I already know our sweet little girl. She has been so close to me for so long.
Perfect example: lately, I have been playing a game with her where I push on her and then she'll kick back or push back. Today at our appointment, Laura was trying to hear her heartbeat but Lilly didn't want the doppler on her so she kept pushing against it, anywhere Laura put it, Lilly would push away against it. It was pretty funny. She's a little stinker : ) I love her so so much!!

6 weeks from now (or less I suppose) is going to be the happiest time of our whole life. I cannot wait!

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